Contributor: Purest Light

Now that my children are grown, I have been looking at what I did well as a mother, and the sweetest times I recall are when we laughed and treated each other with the best we had.

My quest to raise gracious children began in the late seventies, when I decided to be a Montessori teacher. I had become curious about how people were when they first got here, before being shaped by school, church and social convention. I decided to work with children three to six years old to be able to observe and learn about this question. Also, I wanted to practice my skills before taking a swipe at motherhood myself. One thing I learned in Montessori was to emphasize Grace and Courtesy. The idea is to model certain aspects of etiquette, such as serving a snack to another child on a beautiful tray, but also for the teacher to embody the spirit of courtesy towards the children. For example, I was encouraged to briefly shake hands to greet a child each day, and to duck down to be able to look in their eyes while doing so. It proved a challenge to do these things routinely, but provided me with the awareness of how children bloom when treated with utmost courtesy and when shown the same hospitality as adult classroom guests. Most of us student teachers were schooled in the form, but not necessarily the spirit of good manners, and had to re-learn the practice in the classroom. We noted that when we demonstrated true graciousness to the children, they easily imitated us and treated each other more beautifully. No faking would do; they could detect the real thing every time, and would react rather badly if you were saying polite words with any kind of edge.

Years later, I would see this same shift if I began to act with sincere graciousness towards my children. I would see the mood at dinner change from disconnected to focused by my change of manner. If I launched a good conversation opener, as I would among friends, the kids would join in with opinions and thoughtful responses. If I asked,' do you know what cool thing I saw today?' it would awaken their own observations, even if the cool thing was the most everyday thrill like a red bird in the snow. I saw the same thing that happened in the Montessori classroom; that if I raised my awareness, the kids felt it and responded.

Children model what they see happening around them. If the home is to be a haven from the stresses of a hurried world then we must create it to be that way. Most mothers are aware on some level how much family members tune into their moods. Our power to consciously bring our best selves to those we love might be a key ingredient in creating an atmosphere where it is natural for children to embody the spirit of kindness.

Graciousness starts with consciousness. Consciousness is an internal awareness of possibilities in the moment, and graciousness is extending that spirit out to others.

I am encouraged by people shifting towards consciousness of daily habits, like Europe's spreading slow food movement.

"Slow Food is simply about taking the time to slow down and to enjoy life with family and friends. Everyday can be enriched by doing something slow - making pasta from scratch one night, seductively squeezing your own orange juice from the fresh fruit, lingering over a glass of wine and a slice of cheese - even deciding to eat lunch sitting down instead of standing up."
— http://www.slowfoodusa.org

It is changing the quality of time spent preparing food and eating together with family, or alone; playing more, making time for a sense of wonder, savoring each other. Family life may ask for something like a 'slow life' approach that is to find places in the day to make this shift of quality in your family life.

I am convinced it's the raised awareness practiced between my children and me that created so many fun memories. Learning the savoring of a taste, a moment, or a person is something even a young child can enjoy doing. My kids enjoyed the game of saying, 'savor!' and having everyone slow down and appreciate more what we were doing, whether it be eating fine chocolate, looking at something beautiful, or making gift-opening last longer.

Any moment can become a conscious moment, any time can become memorable, and all things can be savored. It's not complicated but remembering to do it can be tricky. One thing that can help is to ritually incorporate cues for yourself to slow down and pay attention. For me this has always included candles. In fact I first started making beeswax candles to satisfy my own consumption. And by making them I realized that I had a different attitude and appreciation for the candles I made versus the ones I bought in a store.

Lighting a candle in your home requires your attention. You need to take care of the place it's lit, and unlike turning on a light, it's an aesthetic choice so one is likely to choose its placement for utmost enjoyment. In addition I've taught myself through habit that the lighting of a candle is a cue for me to slow down and savor the moment.

It's my belief that we need to expand the slow food movement into a slow life movement. Not only meals need to be cherished but any time we gather or anytime when we're enjoying a moment alone can be conscious. I invite you to create slow down moments in your life. Simply light a candle, become conscious, and cherish your time enough to be able to remember it later.

Start a slow life movement in your home, by lighting a candle at a time of day that works for you. When we expect that everybody will want to rise to good conversations, and when we deliberately shift our sights to the best in each person, that is who will be there. Play to that person, and they will come through.

— Kathryn Hesch